You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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