I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
