I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
