I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
