Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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