the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
