He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
