the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
a search helicopter?!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
