So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
