i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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