I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
