Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
