i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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