This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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