You surviving the open bar?
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Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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