nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
