Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
