when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
