i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
