I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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