When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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