i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
