somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
