No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
