Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
