even my farts smell like vagina
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
