im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
