I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I love you. Go after that dick
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
