Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
