My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
