no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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