My Higher Power is John Stamos
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
