Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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