I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
