I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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