So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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