it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Jerry, you need to find god
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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