i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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