I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
