i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
