K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
