He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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