Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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