Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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