He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
