My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
