Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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