phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
