How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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