i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
