He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
